well its Jan I am still here. it's been don't remember if I got into the news that son who is autistic rough time is getting married....he is engaged anyway, not sure how he can get married he has no place to live, we can't survive without his help $ and our house is too small for them to live together in....I cant imagine them being "together" upstairs I mean he is my special needs son and we are close. not sure he can live without me.
I can't imagine hearing a sexual life for him right over my head, he is still my baby and I can't let him "go" let someone else use him for his $ I would worry too much. I have always been a hard worker, husband too but we are not working any longer, I don't think I will live much longer, just smoked too long and hurt & hard to breath right and I am so afraid he will end up alone because they don't have a place & she is wanting a "place of their own".
I will also have to go with him but they will need seperate living space & it hurts so much because they need to be able to get along when we are gone & I can move out too. If I die before he has his own place I don't know what will happen to them & they are so sweet together.
might not be a good time to go off meds but because it's a free clinic I have to go down town every month & I just don't have the energy to do that each month.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
memories
A day in the life of a grieving Mom, I was just out sitting at the back patio and looked at the house next door so I saw my son when he was 13 the neighbor had gotten a company to come & re roof the house, a big house & Jason came running home from watching the group of men working and said that they would pay him to "clean up" while they work meaning he had to shovel the old roof shingles when they dropped them.
I agreed as long as he didn't go up on the roof which of course brought my memory back to his death but I will try to tell the good memory of that week.
He worked all day in the sun and that turned into 3 days well by the 2nd day I looked out the kitchen window and there he was on the roof needless to say I yelled at him and made him stay on the ground, anyway they promised to pay him $50.00 at the end of the job when they got paid and we were getting ready for vacation at our favorite cabin in Wisconsin to fish which was his favorite thing to do and also his favorite place out in the woods and just fish from morning till night.
So he worked hard as he always did later but they finished the job on Mon. And said they would stop back by Wed. to pay him and we were leaving Friday, they didn't show so we called and they said they would the next day and they didn't so by Thurs he was getting anxious for his money so he could by fishing stuff.
By Fri morning I was upset that they would take advantage of my son so we went to the business and the owner said they were just contractors and that he would not pay my son so we ran to a five and dime and bought a poster board 2 actually and we wrote "co name abuses minors at work" and honk for minors rights at work and took up a spot right in front on the corner.
There we were me, him and his little brother in a diaper in 80 degree temps holding our signs and getting honks, he was so proud that I took a stand for him with all the packing we had to do yet before his Dad got home, anyway after about 30 minutes the cops came and we explained and he smiled and said "just stay on the sidewalk and he went in to talk to the owner and within 30 minutes the owner called us inside and asked how much the guys owed my son and before Jason could proudly say he earned $50.00 I spoke up and said $75.00.
Jason looked at me & I could see he wanted to correct me but he didn't as the guy reached into the drawer of his desk and counted out $75.00 and handed it over to him, we thanked him and he said "I will get it from thier check this week".
As we packed our stuff up and went home with sun burns & Derek in diapers laughing with his brother because if Jason was happy we must have done something good so when we got home Jason came and said cool I got $25.00 bucks free because they only owed me $50.00 and I told him no that he got $25.00 an hour for standing on the corner in the heat.
I will always remember his hug and thanks for being his Mom and he told that story to everyone for years even after his death I would bring it up or talk about his love of fishing and his friends would say we know the story of what you did that day and that Jason would say "my Moms always has my back".
But as I mentioned before about the roof the first thoughts are him falling the day he had the accident then of course right to his death bed and watching his lips turn grey the day he died, it just takes so much to get past that memory to remember the time we had together and how proud of me that he was.
And we have wanted to take his boots he was wearing the day he fell back to that lake and "bury" them in the lake at his favorite place and the first summer after he died we couldn't get a vacancy so we reserved it for the next year which was 2011 and sent our deposit but weeks before the date in August the gas prices sky rocketed and we just could not afford to drive 1,500 miles, his fiancee was going to go and we had to cancel, his boots are still here but he is not.
OK good thing I am going to clinic tomorrow for counseling I miss him so much.
I agreed as long as he didn't go up on the roof which of course brought my memory back to his death but I will try to tell the good memory of that week.
He worked all day in the sun and that turned into 3 days well by the 2nd day I looked out the kitchen window and there he was on the roof needless to say I yelled at him and made him stay on the ground, anyway they promised to pay him $50.00 at the end of the job when they got paid and we were getting ready for vacation at our favorite cabin in Wisconsin to fish which was his favorite thing to do and also his favorite place out in the woods and just fish from morning till night.
So he worked hard as he always did later but they finished the job on Mon. And said they would stop back by Wed. to pay him and we were leaving Friday, they didn't show so we called and they said they would the next day and they didn't so by Thurs he was getting anxious for his money so he could by fishing stuff.
By Fri morning I was upset that they would take advantage of my son so we went to the business and the owner said they were just contractors and that he would not pay my son so we ran to a five and dime and bought a poster board 2 actually and we wrote "co name abuses minors at work" and honk for minors rights at work and took up a spot right in front on the corner.
There we were me, him and his little brother in a diaper in 80 degree temps holding our signs and getting honks, he was so proud that I took a stand for him with all the packing we had to do yet before his Dad got home, anyway after about 30 minutes the cops came and we explained and he smiled and said "just stay on the sidewalk and he went in to talk to the owner and within 30 minutes the owner called us inside and asked how much the guys owed my son and before Jason could proudly say he earned $50.00 I spoke up and said $75.00.
Jason looked at me & I could see he wanted to correct me but he didn't as the guy reached into the drawer of his desk and counted out $75.00 and handed it over to him, we thanked him and he said "I will get it from thier check this week".
As we packed our stuff up and went home with sun burns & Derek in diapers laughing with his brother because if Jason was happy we must have done something good so when we got home Jason came and said cool I got $25.00 bucks free because they only owed me $50.00 and I told him no that he got $25.00 an hour for standing on the corner in the heat.
I will always remember his hug and thanks for being his Mom and he told that story to everyone for years even after his death I would bring it up or talk about his love of fishing and his friends would say we know the story of what you did that day and that Jason would say "my Moms always has my back".
But as I mentioned before about the roof the first thoughts are him falling the day he had the accident then of course right to his death bed and watching his lips turn grey the day he died, it just takes so much to get past that memory to remember the time we had together and how proud of me that he was.
And we have wanted to take his boots he was wearing the day he fell back to that lake and "bury" them in the lake at his favorite place and the first summer after he died we couldn't get a vacancy so we reserved it for the next year which was 2011 and sent our deposit but weeks before the date in August the gas prices sky rocketed and we just could not afford to drive 1,500 miles, his fiancee was going to go and we had to cancel, his boots are still here but he is not.
OK good thing I am going to clinic tomorrow for counseling I miss him so much.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
sold gold
Went yesterday & sold my gold, sold my first wedding band from 34 years ago, sold some gold earings from Steve, a few odds & end but the first ring he gave me at our first Christmas a saphire & our second wedding band a wide gold band when we got matching ones at 20 years I loved it it was wide made by a Christian jeweler down south & on the band it was engraved in Hebrew from the song of Solomon mine said "my beloved is mine and I am his", his band said "my beloved is mine and I am hers".
To think that I have not cried over it yet, but when there is no longer an emotional attachment to him it is just gone, got $420.00 it has already paid bills, once you have lost a child....now I cry....nothing else really matters. except that my life is sold so cheaply, I had a silver bangle engraved with scripture he gave me (silver for 25th anniversary) it for our 25th I kept it only because he would only give me $15.00.
And I am still here in this house of bad memories.
To think that I have not cried over it yet, but when there is no longer an emotional attachment to him it is just gone, got $420.00 it has already paid bills, once you have lost a child....now I cry....nothing else really matters. except that my life is sold so cheaply, I had a silver bangle engraved with scripture he gave me (silver for 25th anniversary) it for our 25th I kept it only because he would only give me $15.00.
And I am still here in this house of bad memories.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Co shootings
As If I need another thing to remind me of loss, seeing all the stuff on TV about it is just horrible, knowing what those parents felt when hearing their child was involved, their child was dead, their child in is ICU.
It just continues, I am begging on line for money to leave this house, It has only been a few days but every morning I wake up thinking today God will give me some hope in this & I check the site & nothing.
I pray all day that God would change my heart, that I could be satisfied staying in this house & that I would once again feel grateful to have a home....nothing, I cry all day I have to be away from these memories, I have to stop seeing my sons face turn grey, I sit or lay on the couch all day when not in here checking the pc I see in my mind Jason playing with Derek as a baby, Jason hugging him, Jason playing viseo games with Derek.
On & on it goes there is no getting away from it, I just want to wake up and for those first few minutes when I think about what to do today I might see a new home to clean, a new yard to explore, new town not looking at these memories, not realizing there is nothing to do today because I can't go anywhere with no gas & even if I had gas I would drive through the memories so instead of having a chance at getting started on a new day I am frozen with memories.
My day is spent in torment before I even have a chance to get started.
I can't wait much longer I need so much to get out.
It just continues, I am begging on line for money to leave this house, It has only been a few days but every morning I wake up thinking today God will give me some hope in this & I check the site & nothing.
I pray all day that God would change my heart, that I could be satisfied staying in this house & that I would once again feel grateful to have a home....nothing, I cry all day I have to be away from these memories, I have to stop seeing my sons face turn grey, I sit or lay on the couch all day when not in here checking the pc I see in my mind Jason playing with Derek as a baby, Jason hugging him, Jason playing viseo games with Derek.
On & on it goes there is no getting away from it, I just want to wake up and for those first few minutes when I think about what to do today I might see a new home to clean, a new yard to explore, new town not looking at these memories, not realizing there is nothing to do today because I can't go anywhere with no gas & even if I had gas I would drive through the memories so instead of having a chance at getting started on a new day I am frozen with memories.
My day is spent in torment before I even have a chance to get started.
I can't wait much longer I need so much to get out.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
ashamed
I don't know any more, I can't ask everyone to help I try to get people to just share my links I know there are people with money I see it every day, people give to causes, what my wanting to not be depressed or wanting not to deal with my husbands dementia while freiving the loss of my son?
Will I have to always live here with reminders every day of that?....
I'm just tired of crying all day
Will I have to always live here with reminders every day of that?....
I'm just tired of crying all day
Friday, July 20, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Don't understand no help
I tried begging we got internet back this week just so I could do a "campaign for Indieogogo or whateve, spent hours writing about my loss and crying so much I have a head ache & I couldn't "go live" I am so spent emotionaly I can't write it again or even try now I can't get into the site cause pass word don't work.
Church people don't return calls & it's not because they don't like me.....many things going on with people & some I won't ask 2 times to let me "talk" you know it, I have fought not to give up for so long now, today told husband I needed to check out mental help today .....he had nothing to say so I checked online & i don't think they will take me without charging me & we just can't afford any more bills.
I checked suicide hot lines but don't want to talk all this out on a cheap cell which is all I have & can't find where I can "chat" online with one.
Think God is telling me it is my time, He wouldn't leave me to wallow in this pain alone for this long. & I rarely swear publicaly or so badly but you know what f*&%$ this world, I tried so hard to stay for my son but it just is too much & to see people ignore me, my family, my "friends" & my husband & I can't wake up in this house any more.
Wow had a nap felt bad about cussing had to change it & reading this again I will be seen as "the boy that cried wolf.....
Church people don't return calls & it's not because they don't like me.....many things going on with people & some I won't ask 2 times to let me "talk" you know it, I have fought not to give up for so long now, today told husband I needed to check out mental help today .....he had nothing to say so I checked online & i don't think they will take me without charging me & we just can't afford any more bills.
I checked suicide hot lines but don't want to talk all this out on a cheap cell which is all I have & can't find where I can "chat" online with one.
Think God is telling me it is my time, He wouldn't leave me to wallow in this pain alone for this long. & I rarely swear publicaly or so badly but you know what f*&%$ this world, I tried so hard to stay for my son but it just is too much & to see people ignore me, my family, my "friends" & my husband & I can't wake up in this house any more.
Wow had a nap felt bad about cussing had to change it & reading this again I will be seen as "the boy that cried wolf.....
How to make latest post first?
I check other blogs & the latest post comes up first, how do I do that? anyway I got through the night without going back to smoking, it was a battle first Steve was gone for a couple of hours & we sold our other car or I would have went to store to get a pack & by the time he got home I was napping & just fought the temptation.
I am really tired so tired of waiting, I keep feeling every day that someone will see my plight & "share it" so that others will help I know people care like that lady on the bus being bullied so I imagine a new house one that does not envelope me in the memories of Jasons death, I don't want to nor could I forget him but everywhere I look is a memory then I automaticaly go back to the hospital & his last days, watching him all broken then turning off life support.
Laying my hand on his chest wanting to keep his heart beating, then watching his color fade so quick after his last breath that when I kissed him last he was already grey, I imagine him being cremated........
I just feel another house would help to go on with life without at every turn when I am trying to do daily stuff I wouldn't be thrown back to those memories every day, I know I have ptsd & I need depression meds back, I just can't live with this pain every day.
I am really tired so tired of waiting, I keep feeling every day that someone will see my plight & "share it" so that others will help I know people care like that lady on the bus being bullied so I imagine a new house one that does not envelope me in the memories of Jasons death, I don't want to nor could I forget him but everywhere I look is a memory then I automaticaly go back to the hospital & his last days, watching him all broken then turning off life support.
Laying my hand on his chest wanting to keep his heart beating, then watching his color fade so quick after his last breath that when I kissed him last he was already grey, I imagine him being cremated........
I just feel another house would help to go on with life without at every turn when I am trying to do daily stuff I wouldn't be thrown back to those memories every day, I know I have ptsd & I need depression meds back, I just can't live with this pain every day.
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