Change my attitude

Wow reading this book by James MacDonald the Lord is showing me I am "in the wilderness" & that I/we must CHOOSE how we react to things, I never smile...well rarely but was raised in a dysfunctional home Dad was alcoholic & Mom worked I was the oldest girl of 8 kids with an older brother & boys didn't have to do anything and we were to do as we were told & not be heard.
My one memory of showing my feelings I guess before that I had fun I laughed & smiled & cried but one day I must have been just 14 & was shunned at a new school & came home crying & my Mom asked what was wrong & Mom & Dad always competed so if Mom was "babying" you Dad had to jump in & fix it but anyway I told her about the kids & my Dad was listening in the corner just waiting to pounce.

He balled up his fists & wiped his eyes & said "ohhhh did the kids hut your baby feewings" I think I just shut down after that, but he was saved by Christ before his death & I forgave him, he did the best he could I think.
But I am so used to "looking at the bad side" of things, expecting one day if I am happy something will happen so I don't "get excited" about stuff. This book has opened my eyes to making a choice to be thankful in "all things"

I am to make a list before bed 5 things I am thankful for, every night I always know everything I have is from God I know that He will supply my needs as I have said but during hard times do I find things to be thankful for or only focus on what is going wrong? That is kind of hard I think to find His Grace in Jasons death, except that had I not had God I would be dead.....many parents who have lost kids commit suicide 5 that I know of in the last year it is pretty normal from what I have learned to have thoughts just "come over you" one day, one hour, one minute the pain & loss can be so consuming you can't live with it any more.

I know that knowing God has "been there" has gotten me through & knowing where Jason is because he had accepted Christ, knowing the eternity to come I would not have been able to bear that he would go to hell so I am thankful even though Jason didn't lead a prefect life (Lord look at me) he did have Gods gift of his Savior!

So now that I found something to be "thankful for" even in that I can find plenty to be thankful for now, like internet yet rofl, cable at least another month hopefully food stamps in a couple weeks & SSI will come through & we will have cash for the car & house payment.

Really when I think of how others are losing everything I have plenty to be thankful for.