Well the book said it doesn't happen over night....I need to keep reminding myself not to be critical, complaining & not to even have a bad attitude to myself.
Well I failed just had to rake the yard & it's already over 70 out, while I raked I just kept telling myself what a messy life I have now & whenever I have to do one thing he used to do I just keep asking what next? what will I do next winter? what will I do in the fall? what will I do when we can't pay bills?
Self pity feels good while your doing it but not after, Steve worked hard for us for so long I should be thankful & I guess if I'm honest what hurts the most is that he is no longer Steve, the symptoms of Alzheimer continues some & when these things come up the thing I focus on are just things but I think it wouldn't be so bad if he was still the man I married, the man who would & has done anything for me.
I'm crying right now because he no longer puts us first he is still smoking & got into our mortgage money & property tax money we put aside, I know God will take care of us & even if we lose the house it doesn't matter as much as if I had my husband with me instead of worrying about everything on my own.
So I just keep telling myself it could be worse, & that I need to focus on what I should be doing as a wife who needs to step up & do for him for a while & stop crying over it!
I know what I should be doing hope that regret helps for God to know I don't want to be a bay about everything :)
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