Easter

I just want to first say He is risen! but after that fact life just sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was determined to have Easter dinner at the table, since Jasons death we eat in the living room & Derek eats upstairs but I got the table ready to be set, even cooked eggs for deviled eggs which we always had from the eggs the kids colored....there are no coloring eggs any more & thank God Derek is too old because I don't know that I could do that now.
We finally hung family pics last week, our walls were mostly bare for the passes few years because I always wanted to paint them another color but since Jasons death it just didn't matter, but we hung a bunch of collage pics all with us with Jason  & a few smaller ones in the group framed of him & me together.
And I want to do dinner but I am drawn to his pic & it hurts so much....even now almost 3 years in I can't stop crying....I look at the table & I remember that first Easter after he died trying to keep things "normal" for Derek....he was 15  so we needed to do it for him but we sat there crying trying to eat ham & potatoes & gravy with tears streaming down our faces.
Jase had been gone 6 months and I don't think we ate at the table again together since, I just want him back, I want my life back, I want to be "normal" again.
I want to be able to go to church on special days, I can't now because special days make the pain even stronger.
I love my son I miss my son I want my son!


Went to take some flowers to the grave....washed it off & cried out for God on this day to raise MY son!.....he didn't