As If I need another thing to remind me of loss, seeing all the stuff on TV about it is just horrible, knowing what those parents felt when hearing their child was involved, their child was dead, their child in is ICU.
It just continues, I am begging on line for money to leave this house, It has only been a few days but every morning I wake up thinking today God will give me some hope in this & I check the site & nothing.
I pray all day that God would change my heart, that I could be satisfied staying in this house & that I would once again feel grateful to have a home....nothing, I cry all day I have to be away from these memories, I have to stop seeing my sons face turn grey, I sit or lay on the couch all day when not in here checking the pc I see in my mind Jason playing with Derek as a baby, Jason hugging him, Jason playing viseo games with Derek.
On & on it goes there is no getting away from it, I just want to wake up and for those first few minutes when I think about what to do today I might see a new home to clean, a new yard to explore, new town not looking at these memories, not realizing there is nothing to do today because I can't go anywhere with no gas & even if I had gas I would drive through the memories so instead of having a chance at getting started on a new day I am frozen with memories.
My day is spent in torment before I even have a chance to get started.
I can't wait much longer I need so much to get out.
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