I am not making plans tonight so don't freak, I am thinking of a local mental health place but need to find out how to do it without going further into debt but just sick of so many people ignoring my requests for help.
Adding my notes on how I'm feeling.
I am writing this out not on line because I will cry all through it & the only way to be on line is in my yard or the public library & I don't want to cry there so will share everything now, I am so tired of bursting into tears while doing dishes, watching tv, upon waking up in the morning.
I cannot be "the leader" any more, while my godly husband has gone back to drugs & smoking & charging his cigeretts on a credit card after quitting working, yes his back is bad & he is in pain most of the time but while he gets high to forget his problems & not facing the fact that he has alzhiemers or some kind of dementia I have to make sure the bills are paid but have not worked much since our second child (our son with autism) was born I have also not done the bills or finances at all.
I have hated our house for at least 15 years now our plan was always to build equitty & move "to the country" 24 years ago.....I really lost all hope of living life again after watching my son die 3 years ago, but depression meds did begin to help me hang on for my son but now I have had to face the fact that since my husband quit & will have SSI at the end of August leaving this house will not happen.
When he applied for SSI we thought w ewould get through the 6 month wait & the lump sum when we finally got it would be a down payment & we could finally move because of the down turn of the housing market we could only get maybe 7 grand by selling but with SSI we couldn't afford another house,& we have found out we don't get back pay, I'm not giving up because of any one of these things but just dealing with them all with no hope, my son has medicaid & now my husband does but me....the one who has always gotten everyone else through things & making sure our family was healthy now I have nothing, no dr no meds & no hope.
I can't go anywhere because we have no money for gas even, I can't walk around the block because everywhere I go is a reminder my son will no longer walk these streets, in my mind I see dropping him off at his babysitters or 7 houses down the 2 houses next door to each other that his 2 best friends lived in, or 2 houses down was his best friend before that.....the little girl he was always running with.
The streets all around us where he had a paper route at age 11 & the times on the week end that I would drive him because it was dark out that early in the morning & I wouldn't let him out alone in the dark.
Iam not going to kill myself tonight I just see how week that is to even say it but, I don't know how many more days I can make it through with no hope & I am not usually so weak, even 4 motnhs ago I was dealing with the situation as a time og God leading me & that I had things to learn from this, now I just don't care any more & don't know how long I can hang on.
Now after writing this out I think of ending my misery & cry thiunking of just being with my son, I can't go through all those feelings right now even here in the house that is so small Steve is right here on the couch 3 feet away as I type & cry & he tries very hard to just ignore my tears or he will go out & get high & he has even threatened suicide so one more reason to just take my depression & misery out of the equasion.
The worst is knowing that I have asked....begged for help on my f/b on twitter & other sites for posting problems & even made the pay pal & while people give thousands for the lady that got bullied (which was horrable but that much money?) & here I sit in my misery.
Giving up sounds even better.
No comments:
Post a Comment